"We love them as our own...because they are"

Adoptions enliven lives, dream of family for former partners

Just ask about her children and Tracey lights with pride.

“They’re the best,” Tracey said of son Trey and daughter Tera, both adopted locally in 2002. “We have the greatest time doing things together. I can’t imagine life without them.”

Tracey, who did not want her last name used out of respect for her former partner Jody's wishes, says she always wanted to be a parent. Sure, she had fears about it. After all, parenting is work. Both of them knew that.

And Tracey considers herself a Type 1 personality – a perfectionist, a doer, a go-getter. She could set her sites on learning more and getting it done. Not to mention that Tracey had seen herself loving and providing for a child or children as far back as she could remember.

So Tracey and Jody began considering options.

The first “look-see”

They turned to adoption – international at first. So many children waiting for homes, Tracey said. It broke her heart.

It wasn’t long, though, before the couple began considering local adoption.

“We started a look-see and noticed kids right here who needed homes,” Tracey said. “So many kids locally need good parents and places to call home. It just stood to reason, in our minds.”

They completed pre-service classes and their home study in 2001. Then, Tracey says, the real work began.

“We went through several workers over time,” Tracey said. “We just rode the wave, working with whoever was assigned to helping us. But we also stayed on them, too, to work with us and help us get our home study in when we were interested in a waiting child.”

That persistency turned out to be one of the biggest keys to both adoptions.

First placement – and first trials

In early 2002, Trey – almost five years old at time – came into their lives scratching and clawing.

Literally, said Tracey. Trey had been diagnosed as crack positive at birth and had Attention Deficit Disorder. Tracey said Trey had been so detached when he first came to them.

“He would scratch himself on his neck and face when he was mad, or thought he was in trouble,” she said, her words trailing off as she recalled their first introductions. “I’m sure it was likely the result of whatever abuse he’d been through before. But we were determined to find ways to work with him and help him.”

Trey also didn’t know numbers. In a speech Tracey wrote recently, she talked about working with Trey to help him learn the letter “T” and learn to count.

“I remember Jody and I stopping at stop signs to teach him T so he could begin to spell his name,” she wrote. “We also sang ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game’ literally hundreds of times just so he could learn to count to three.

“He also has gone through countless hours of therapy to help him work through his anger.  Imagine getting a child that would want to hurt himself by scratching or digging at his skin when he made a mistake.”  

While waiting to adopt Trey, Tracey and Jody began working with him to address his ADD and other needs. Therapists worked with Trey, Tracey and Jody to deal with Trey’s issues of abuse and help him learn appropriate ways of expressing anger and emotions. Tracey said Trey eventually calmed and adjusted well. He finished therapy about one year ago.

About one month after Trey was adoptively placed with them, Tera entered the picture. Diagnosed as crack positive at birth and at age five with ADHD. She was also smaller than children her age. Tracey and Jody researched potential services and stayed on workers to help find the services to assist. Tera began medication therapy for her ADHD, and it has worked well, said Tracey.

Both adoptions finalized within a year, and today – well, Tracey says they are thriving.

For Tracey, Trey is a symbol of courage. “He is currently entering the fifth grade with A’s and B’s and has a very kind and gentle soul. The same child who we adopted in 2002  (now) gets up on his own and opens doors for people who are handicapped, gives his moms tissues when they are upset, excels on the soccer field as a select soccer player, and prides himself at being a very protective and loving big brother to (sister) Tera.

“Education, which began at home, has saved our beautiful son,” she said. “Education and love.”

Tera, too, is a big source of pride – and laughter.

“(She) is one of the funniest, most free-spirited and playful children that I know. She is my reality check that life is not always supposed to be so serious and structured and that everyone needs time to play and laugh.”

Tera’s energy “is something I could only dream of having,” according to Tracey. But it’s that humor that really shines, Tracey recalled.

“For example, Tera was walking in the hallway at school and the principal, Mr. Gates, walked by. Tera said, ‘Hey, Gates, how’s it going?’

“One other time Jody’s partner had some fuzzy stuff on her chin. She was looking in the mirror trying to get it off and was complaining because she did not know what it was.  Tera looked at her and said, ‘Oh gross – it is fleas!!’

“Finally, on the way to dance Trey had a drink in his hand and he wanted to share with her but she was getting her tights on.  Trey said, ‘Hey Tera, do you want a drink?’

“Tera looked at him and said, ‘Ah Trey, can’t you see I am a little ahhh busy?’ ”

Going forward

Though the kids thrived, Tracey’s and Jody’s relationship did not. Both have since moved on, but they are still close – especially with the kids.

“Jody and I may be in new relationships now, but we really love these two,” Tracey said. They share parenting responsibilities, and they each take the children on vacations. The kids often camp with Jody or go with Tracey to visit family in Maine.

Tracey says both Jody’s and her own families love and accept Trey and Tera very much. “I think because of how open Jody and I were and still are, and the diversity we bring to each of our families, Trey, Tera, Jody and I have taught our families some lessons in unconditional love and acceptance as well.

 “They are amazing, loving kids,” Tracey said, her eyes gleaming. “They are everything to both of us. And we love them as though they are our own children.

“Because they are.”